Sarah Yu | On August 19, 2015
In contrast to past generations, cohabitation is not uncommon in this day and age. It’s become the norm for many people in serious dating relationships.
According to a survey done between 2006-2010 with over 12,000 heterosexual women ages 15-44, 48% of women move in with their partner before marriage.
In a Psychology Today article, it stated that cohabitation has increased by 34% since 1995.However, no matter how common it may be, over the years it has been proven that cohabitation does not make a marriage stronger, but in fact, increases the chance of divorce. That’s not to say that there aren’t legitimate reasons to move in with your boyfriend, but there are bad reasons to do so as well.
It may be time to reconsider moving in with your boyfriend if you find that one of the following reasons is your motive behind taking this next step.
It’s the supposed next step to take.
Many psychologists refer to this as ‘sliding,’ where you just move in without having a serious discussion with your boyfriend about it before making a decision. Maybe you guys have hit the six-month mark and just figure that the next step is to move in together because that’s the next relationship milestone. The problem with this mindset is that it just happens without any sort of careful consideration of the pros and cons of living together before marriage. Without a clear cut mutual decision or vision of the future of the relationship, sliding into cohabitation will blur all kinds of lines.
You assume he’s going to propose soon.
It’s one thing to be engaged with a set wedding date, and a whole other thing to either be engaged without a date or still in a relationship with marriage up in the air.
If you and your boyfriend have talked about marriage, that’s great! But how detailed and thorough was the discussion? Was it just a simple yes or no question? Or was it a good serious talk about whether or not marriage is something that both of you want down the line? Samantha Karlin, a dating coach and YourTango expert, expressed that with a wishy-washy stance towards marriage, cohabitating may not be a good idea. “Living with someone without a firm eye towards marriage means that anyone can get up and leave at any time, which breeds mutual disrespect, as opposed to mutual respect,” she said.
If you sense or hear from your fiance that he’s reluctant to plan a wedding or set a date, or your boyfriend seems unsure about putting a ring on it in the near future, moving in will not make him change his mind. “I’ve seen plenty of men say yes to a future when they felt backed against the wall, only to back out at a later date,” relationship expert April Beyer said.
It’ll save you money on living expenses.
Sure, living with your boyfriend may lower the cost of rent and groceries, but even though it may seem logical, it’s not a good reason to move forward with it. The conflict and mess that may come with living together for the sake of saving money on living expenses. “Never move in together simply because it makes sense to lower rent and save money,” Beyer said. “It makes it more difficult to break up later if you also have to leave your roommate and figure out a way to afford a new place.”
You want to test compatibility as roommates.
Many people can make a case for this reason, but there’s also a case against it. Though it’s important to make sure you can ‘deal’ with his hygiene habits or how well the two of you handle finances, living with your partner is not the same as living with a roommate.
Kimberly Seltzer, a relationship therapist, explained the difference between the two. “As roommates, there is always an underlying notion that you can ‘get out’ if things don’t work,” she said. The commitment part of the relationship goes out the window once you decide that you and your boyfriend aren’t compatible roommates.
Living with a spouse and living with a roommate are two different concepts and lifestyles. Living with a spouse means sticking through thick and thin and being their friend, partner and lover. Living with a roommate just means living with another person to save money on rent.
You’re at his house all the time anyway.
You leave your stuff at his place and it’s become a second home for you. So why not move in with him? You’re practically spending all of your time with him anyway.
Sounds like a legitimate reason to move in, right? In reality, spending all your time at his place and officially living with him are two different things. “The fact that it is a ‘practically temporary’ situation still has the connotation that you can get out if it doesn’t work,” Seltzer said. “If the going gets tough, the tough might get going and the couple splits instead of working on issues together.”
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