With our reintroduction to everyone’s favorite ‘good girl gone prison girl’ dramedy Orange Is The New Black, I thought it prudent to introduce a loose set of guidelines so you can binge watch the crap out of the show while still managing to not utterly destroy your body, career or social life.
Buckle up convicts, it’s about to get informative.
Taystee
You will feel compelled to mouth vacuum every snack in your neighborhood because who are we kidding, what else do you do when faced with 120 hours of such monumentally entertaining television? Ma’am, please place that delicious weapon on the ground and slowly back away. Instead of going for the old standbys of tortilla chips or ice cream, you can try a healthier alternative. Trader Joe’s makes these wonder chips chock-full of chia seeds, quinoa, brown rice and a few other hippy dippy good for you ingredients that may help your conscience a bit. They’re still carbs so, don’t go overboard. Instead of ice cream, cut up a banana or six, freeze the cut pieces for a few hours and chuck them in a blender or food processor. Blamo, you’ve got almost guilt free ice cream that you can tweak.
Red
Though she’s one of our faves, red is not a good thing when talking about work. You want to stay out of the red. To do that, you need to set up times to consume as much OITNB as possible while still maintaining that job. Attach a point system to your work day and use it for rewards. Every phone call made equates to five minutes of the show. Every email sent, another five. Project finished? Let’s call that thirty minutes. By the end of the day, you will have accrued, depending on your resolve, upwards of an episode and a half if you play your cards right. To finish off that last half episode, stand up and do one squat for every minute left. Squats are the great equalizer. Tonight, you can watch two. Not too shabby.
Crazy Eyes
Though you may be neck deep in penal joy, your friends might be another story. Or the new beau is clamoring for a minute of your time, desperately trying to peel you off your couch for some good ol’ one on one. Either way, you need to devote some of your free time to interacting with people outside the confines of the beautiful television you have. A good method for having your cake and eating it too is by holding a viewing party. Introducing new viewers to the joy that is Litchfield Penitentiary enables you to hang with friends and watch to your heart’s delight. Alternatively, use the steamy scenes shown to awaken something primal with your man and yourself. It’s sure to get your motors running overtime.
Look, we’re all adults here. And I love the tradition of couching it to television greatness just as much as the next person. I also love leading a fruitful, productive life. As human beings, we need to realize when it’s time to turn off the television/iPad/laptop and commence with our lives outside the confines of our microfiber sofas. It’s about balance. Find that balance and all will be well. Enjoy!
Feature Photo via We Heart It
