Some people are masters of the old dating game while others find themselves incessantly treading water. Falling for a commitment-phobe is like jumping into the deep end. Appealing as it may be, sooner or later, the risk of drowning becomes very real.
Commitment phobia ranges from mild to severe and exists in both sexes, but for the most part, more and more men seem to get hit with this uncontrollable fear of commitment, of intimacy, and of a deep, emotional connection with someone.
I often find myself wondering when it is okay to classify someone as a commitment-phobe. Is it a way to justify irrational behavior or put a name to the simple fact that (and I cringe writing this) he’s just not that into you? Is calling a man a commitment-phobe a way to cope, understand or find closure in a relationship that has no answers? When does a failed relationship, a failed partner, become eligible? Deeming someone commitment-phobic may, in some cases, simply be a way to blame the other person involved who (and I cringe again) may just not be that into you.
But on the other hand, commitment-phobia is very real and can make even the most rational, grounded woman feel like they’re on an emotionally tormenting roller coaster (trust me I know). Not all commitment-phobic men have the same characteristics and qualities, but these are 10 tell-tale signs that you might be dealing with one.
He Is Basically Prince Charming—Until He’s Not
Most commitment-phobic men are incredibly affectionate, charismatic and romantic… at the beginning. They move in fast on women they are interested in and say and do all the right things to get what they want. This is why women are so drawn to the madness; it initially seems too good to be true.
I hate to say it, but sometimes it is. These men use all the tricks they know because to them, the relationship is only temporary. They are very convincing salesman to meet their own short-term needs, but do not consider the woman’s long-term feelings whatsoever. Once he has fulfilled his own romantic agenda, it won’t be long before he starts withdrawing sexually and acting cold.You Feel Like A Placeholder
Severe commitment-phobics play the seduction/rejection game. He can’t decide to totally give in to the relationship, but he can’t commit to walking away either. He longs for the woman when he doesn’t see her, but bolts when it looks like she might stick around. He feels trapped by both choices and you end up feeling like a placeholder, giving in to his inconsistencies to stay in the relationship no matter what. You feel like as long as you do your part and fight for him, you will be the change he needs. After weeks, months or years of the same pattern, you want to believe it will eventually be worth it. Newsflash: It’s not.
He Sabotages The Good Times
Once things start to actually level out and the relationship seems to be going better than ever, he begins picking arguments and finding reasons to stay away from each other. Commitment-phobes love the chase but can’t go in for the kill. He might start sabotaging right before you decide to make the relationship exclusive, before moving in together or even getting married. He creates a snowball of excuses as to why things aren’t working and the already-planned date night turns into a night apart.
He Is A Control Freak
These men are all about control. If a woman starts to get tired of the up and downs, threatens to leave the relationship or if it looks like she is getting uninterested, he will do everything in his power to gain back the upper hand. He doesn’t want to appear vulnerable, but rather wants to be the one doing the hurting. He will come crawling back, spinning stories to justify his own contradictory behavior and making promises to change that he knows he cannot keep. Commitment-phobes create time frames suitable for them and treat the woman like a puppet on a string, giving her what she wants at his own leisure.
He Compartmentalizes His Life
Commitment-phobes keep the structures of their lives separate from each other. They keep their work environment, friends and family off-limits and create elaborate excuses about why a woman can’t attend an outing. These men want to keep the relationship entirely separate so once it is over, it won’t be a whole thing he has to explain or tell people about. Even if you do meet the parents, he will retract the intimate gesture by saying it is nothing special. He does not partake in PDA but expects her undivided attention when alone. A commitment-phobic won’t allow the relationship to grow, nor has any intentions of ever doing so.
He Blames Everything On You
Oh, how men are good at this. This goes back to the need for control. Commitment-phobes will slowly start to disconnect once the relationship gets to a level they aren’t comfortable with. More times than not, he will blame the woman for the direction the relationship is going. She becomes the one that’s too demanding, too impatient, too in love. He will find any reason to turn the argument around on her to keep the spotlight off of his own issues. This is partly what drives women to think they’re crazy. They start dissecting what they say and do and believe that they need to adjust how they respond, when in reality they are being honest and the man is terrified of doing the same. This has nothing to do with the woman and everything to do with his insecurities about love and commitment.
He Lies About Everyday Things
Because commitment-phobic men are all about keeping parts of their life separated, they often have a history of lying, inaccessibility and unavailability. They are evasive and secretive when asked what they are doing, where they are and who they are with and start blaming the woman for being too clingy and moody. They are unpredictable, aloof, distant, hard to reach, and don’t make set plans until the very last minute.
He Has An Unstable Past
If the man you are with tells you that no one has ever been so patient and understanding to his complex needs before, take this as a red flag. If no woman has ever put up with him the way you are, consider why this is. Commitment-phobic men don’t have a history of long, stable, healthy relationships. Even if there was that one three-year long girlfriend, it probably didn’t end on the best note and probably left him in an even more fearful position of giving himself wholly in a relationship. They usually have a history of infidelity and choose women they don’t see themselves with for long periods of time. If they do, they freak out because it’s not what they originally signed up for.
He Never Says I Love You
These three words are repellents to commitment-phobic men. They have extreme difficulty expressing feelings and may even be afraid to admit they have feelings. Even the relatively innocent words “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” will signify more commitment than they are capable of. They may give some lame excuse for why they don’t want to use these labels, or avoid talking about the status of the relationship at all costs. Getting a commitment-phobic man to say I love you is like trying to get a cat to sing the national anthem.
He Literally Has No Idea What The Hell He Wants
He wants the woman but he doesn’t want a relationship. He wants someone to give him attention but can’t reciprocate. He wants companionship but also wants freedom and space. He wants someone to listen to his problems but doesn’t want to admit to the emotional connection. He wants the sex but won’t accept the consequences of ongoing intimacy. He sees the relationship as an option but wants to be treated like he isn’t doing anything wrong. He has no idea what he wants and expects the woman to settle for that.
Commitment-phobic men are tortured souls full of fear. They are in a constant state of emotional conflict because of their irrational beliefs about love, stability and relationships. They create confusion, havoc, pain and anguish as their behaviors are often insensitive, unpredictable and bizarre. These types of men can turn saints into mad women and play games with their minds and their hearts. If your love interest has any of these commitment-phobic symptoms, trust your gut, beat him at his own game, and retreat to the nearest spa.
Feature Photo via We Heart It